DES MOINES — KKR, a leading global investment firm and group of aspiring open sea pirates, disillusioned amateur golfers, and hardcore penis enviers, today announced the signing of a definitive agreement to acquire Nate’s Really Good Lemonlade Stand, the premier refreshment brand in the Des Moines, Iowa neighborhood of Oakridge. Financial details of the transaction were not disclosed.
Serving a growing network of local residents and schools in a two-mile radius, Nate’s Really Good Lemonlade delivers an industry-leading number of sweetness choices, offering customization in a market that demands increasingly personalized experiences. …
I am your parking lot landlord. My voice is an unfiltered cigarette. I only yell.
I lord over an asphalt patch covered in sad stains and weeds. It’s disgusting. I love it. I hate you.
My favorite experiences are ones that make you feel angry-sad. Family therapy, getting cheated on, delayed flights — so angry, so sad, so good. Nothing can make you more angry-sad than my parking lot, where you pay criminally inflated prices to leave your car in the same shit hole of a place for a few hours. …
Hi, I’m a man who loves shopping at JoS. A. Bank.
I was born with thinning hair that never got thicker, I look kinda tan always, and I have squatter’s rights on a model home.
Yes, my life is fucking great. And it doesn’t get any better than when I’m basked in the 100% polyester glow of the JoS. A. Bank clearance rack. Why? Because my favorite clothes are clothes that make you feel both sweaty and shady. If I buy a new suit, I want my suit and the salesman to be both sweaty and shady. I…
You must be the writers. I can tell because you smell like sadness and your clothes look like they came from dusty trunks. Oh, they did come from dusty trunks? Anyway, thanks for coming to our corporate headquarters. We’re here because I’m important. In fact, as the VP of White People Products for Target, I’m responsible for 86% of our merchandise revenue.
I’ve invited you here today because I’ve been looking for some ideas for our new line of inspirational quote merchandise. I’m talking bird feeders, rustic entryway furniture, tote bags specifically for apple picking, themed seasonal coffee creamer, sea…
It was 11:00pm. The time she used to get out of bed and flip on the porch light, minutes before her husband would come home in his pilot uniform, smelling like a Cinnabon. But pilot Mike Jansen didn’t come home anymore and he no longer smelled like a Cinnabon because he was dead. His widow, Rebecca, checked the clock on the nightstand to make sure it still told time. She crawled out of bed and made her way to turn on the porch light, tripping over large tree branches she had left in the family room (she never was much…
“So it sounds like we’ll just save room for the 14 photographers, then.”
A wedding planner sits with her clients (a man and a woman) to finish planning their wedding.
Planner: So, to recap, you decided last time to upgrade to our exclusive ‘You must love each other more than other couples’ package. Wonderful choice! Just a few things for us to clear up. Here’s what you decided were must haves:
Welcome to the Dog Moms of Tallahassee Facebook group! This group is for all the fur baby mommas in the greater Tallahassee area to share funny stories, adorbs pictures, and helpful tips to make sure our pups get the support no human deserves!
Rules of the group: You must 1) insist that your work bio includes references to and/or pictures of your dog 2) reference your dog whenever a friend or co-worker references their human children 3) sign a pawternity leave advocacy letter addressed to local, state, and federal representatives 4) blood oath 5) keep all posts precious and fun!
You may have noticed that Euro-vagabond fashion is trending. You know, the look where one of those Snuggle Bear jackets is paired with some kind of skinny jeans-sweatpants mash up and dad sneakers that look like they were worn in an iron man competition — the whole thing, including the swimming. This trend is evident on Poshmark, the online marketplace where you can sell your used clothes to willing buyers. But it turns out that people are hungry for more than just what’s in the your closet. …
[From the underground lair of Jeff Bezos]
Program: The Candy Man Can
Pilot Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin Fulfillment Center (#5224)
Program Post-Mortem Report: The Oompa Loompa program had soaring expectations after Amazon acquired Wonka Industries and identified potential synergies between the Wonka labor force and that of Amazon fulfillment centers. However, after a review of the following records, we have decided to mothball the Oompa Loompa Program.
First, it was observed that the Oompa Loompa, once transferred, were unable to adjust to the fulfillment center environment, and instead maintained an attitude that they were in a candy…
San Francisco, CA (on that one corner where the city’s gross wealth inequality is extra evident — you know, by that crazy good sourdough place)
Thank you for submitting your digital brunch startup, VRunch, for participation in the Summer Cohort at the Mount Olympus Incubator. We’re sorry to inform you that your application has been rejected. If you choose to reapply (remember, we get 51% equity), please take the following into consideration for your next effort:
We noted early in your application that you have not already started and sold multiple companies. Given that you’re on the wrong…
owner of one suit | breakfast sandwich authority | napkin writer-on-er | low-key bragger about suit ownership