It’s the embarrassing pictures of you eating that survive the catastrophic house fires…here’s to that phenomenon

Part 1. Knee-deep in sugar

I’m shirtless with my arms crossed in front of me, standing with my legs spread apart. This is my strategy stance. The modern, standing desk version of The Thinker. I’ve summoned it to plot my approach to eating a nine-and-a-half pound sheet cake. I’m alone in my apartment’s kitchen. A cake covers the stove, which is, by the way, the best use of the stove I’ve yet discovered. The lights are…