‘You Love Each Other More Than Other Couples’ Wedding Package

“So it sounds like we’ll just save room for the 14 photographers, then.”

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A wedding planner sits with her clients (a man and a woman) to finish planning their wedding.

Planner: “So, to recap, you decided last time to upgrade to our exclusive ‘You must love each other more than other couples’ package. Wonderful choice! Just a few things for us to clear up. Here’s what you decided were must haves:

  • An old barn in a non-barn location because you love rustic (Woman: “LOVE rustic!”) but aren’t into the smells,
  • An old-timey tractor (see rustic appreciation),
  • A cross-fit gym to remind people you do cross-fit now,
  • A local brewery,
  • A dog park,
  • A Brontosaurus skeleton (Man: “T-Rex’s are so overdone”),
  • The set from The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (Woman: “She’s so empowered!”)
  • A server farm to host the terabyte of wedding picture and video data your reception will generate,
  • 5G infrastructure to handle your reception’s streaming needs (and because you know what 5G is),
  • 3 acres of a national park you hiked last year and told all your city friends about because “you love nature,”
  • AOC’s re-election campaign staff,
  • An Amazon fulfillment center (but not one from Kentucky),
  • A Maine lighthouse (Man: “Are there even other ones?!”),
  • Game 7 of the 1986 World Series (when the Mets were good), and
  • A Trader Joe’s frozen food section

Man: “Nailed it!”

Planner: “And we decided you liked the catering package with on-site free-range animals and 6 hectares of locally grown produce because…

Woman and Man (in unison): “Buffets are tacky!”

Planner: “Now, to fit your must have’s in the airplane hangar you chose, let’s go back through the invitee list and see if we can make space for everything.”

Man: “Well, there’s your aunt, who clearly has unrecognized feelings for her teaching assistant and always psychoanalyzes me. She doesn’t need to come.”

Woman: “And your cousins who live under that overpass.”

Man: “You mean the ones that live in Jacksonville?”

Woman: “Yeah, that’s what I said. They don’t need to be there.”

Man: “Okay. And how about your cycle friends. They probably have a themed brunch, anyway.”

Woman: “And your MFA friends, who are ‘working on their screenplays.’”

Man: “And your sister, who keeps promoting her life coaching business even though she’s 26 and has never had a job with health insurance.”

Woman: “And your mom, who vents about my lack of child-bearing hips on Facebook.”

Man: “And your neighbors, who always talk about their doctor son in front of me.”

Planner: “Excellent! So it sounds like we’ll just save room for the 14 photographers, then.”

Woman and Man: “Perfect!”

. . .

owner of one suit | breakfast sandwich authority | napkin writer-on-er | low-key bragger about suit ownership

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